Here's a column I wrote about the Baseball Hall of Fame in January 2007 for ESPN The Magazine, back when I still cared who made it. Six years later, I find myself saying, "I don't even care anymore, the place has been ruined." Alas.
Let me translate:
Here's a column I wrote for ESPN The Magazine, back when I still put some effort into my writing and didn't try to shoehorn references to movies or tits or Vegas in every other sentence. Six years later, I find myself saying, "Why on Earth did I ever write stuff? I could have just podcasted my way onto the Jimmy Kimmel show, for whom I used to write, and onto ABC's NBA coverage." Oh well, the Baseball Hall of Fame is in the news, so here's something I wrote about it less than ten years ago. Cha-ching!
Sounds more appropriate. Anyway, here is Bill's "take" on the Baseball Hall of Fame. From 2007.
Sports Guy Time Machine: Baseball HOF Revisited
Normally, I enjoy the week the Baseball Hall of Fame inductees are announced. Not this year. With Mark McGwire's inclusion on the 2007 ballot, we have officially entered the Let's Blackball the Potential-Steroids-Guy Era.
I'll try to keep TBOB out of this, but when you read it, did you notice how much stuff child Bill Simmons had? I get the sense from this passage that Bill could be a difficult child and got a lot of that stuff to placate him.
Some writers won't vote for McGwire because he probably used steroids — keep in mind there's never been proof that he did,
Uh, Bill? And other writers who use this argument? Pay very close attention to what I am about to say, because it is important. In fact, I'll go to the dreaded Red Bold Font, center-justified, to emphasize it:
We are not voting to put Mark McGuire in jail.
All of this "innocent until proven guilty" talk means absolutely nothing in terms of the Hall of Fame. The reason we have the "innocent until proven guilty" standard in place is because a man's liberty is at stake. But if McGwire never makes the HOF, he still has all the rights and freedoms you and I do.
If writers are not allowed to judge HOF candidates on anything but their statistics, then let's just write a computer program that objectively awards the most worthy candidates. Because everybody loves it when computers decide big sports questions.
other than a visible bottle of andro and those 135 pounds of muscle he added from 1990 to 2002
Bill is like that defense lawyer who will concede the prosecution every bit of supporting evidence that they can produce and insist on acquittal anyway. "Sure, my client's DNA was found at the crime scene, and the bloody footprints are a perfect match the custom-made shoes that only my client owns, and sure my client's alibi is that he was singing karaoke at a bar but they never host karaoke nights and it closed two years ago; and sure, my client once hired a pilot to pull an airplane banner around which announced his intent to kill the victim and that plane flew over the stadium which hosted the most-watched World Cup final in history, but did anyone actually see my client kill the victim??"
which would be fine if they weren't so pious about it.
Pious, of course, means: a hypocritical display of virtue. Hypocrisy doesn't seem to be at play here. A pertinent example of hypocrisy would be if Barry Bonds got into the HOF and then started to campaign against Roger Clemens' candidacy on the basis of "Clemens was a dirty juicer."
Not content with simply dismissing McGwire's candidacy and moving on, they need to climb on their high horses and rip the guy to shreds.
"Sportswriter X, are you voting for Mark McGwire on your HOF ballot?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I shouldn't support my stance. I should just say no and move on. That's what Bill Simmons would want."
Of course, many of them would appear on any radio or TV show for 50 bucks and a free sandwich.
Bill Simmons - staunch opponent of media whoring.
We're supposed to believe they would refuse the chance to take a drug that would enable them to do their job twice as well and make 10 times as much money? Yeah, right.
Bill is probably right. How does this absolve Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa, exactly? Elite athletes are intense competitors who will too often disregard rules, laws, or personal safety to try and succeed. This is precisely why an outside perspective is needed. You ever hear ex-players who say that if they had had access to PEDs in their day, they would have used them? Mike Schmidt was one player who said that, and he wasn't saying that to be a sports radio shock-jock - he was being honest.
There are many people who would commit murder if they could get away with it. Why don't we just assume that everyone's a murderer? That's a better world.
These people have now become the self-proclaimed moral arbiters of baseball, and they need you to know that Big Mac cheated, disgraced the game, deceived the public, tainted the record books and pushed the sport into a spiritual free fall.
Actually, they weren't self-proclaimed. HOF voters belong to the BBWAA, and for that they are expected to consider the morality and ethics of the game. (quoting directly from the voting rules) "Voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played." (emphasis mine)
They rush to tell you that they can't vote for McGwire because their conscience won't allow it. San Jose Mercury News columnist Ann Killion wrote that she can't vote for McGwire because she wouldn't be able to explain it to her kids.
I'll admit it, that sounds a little douchey.
She concluded her column with this: "All I can do is cast my own vote judiciously. And be able to look my kids in the eyes when I do it."
Still douchey, but she's a voter. That's her right. There are much worse reasons for voting against candidates, that's for damn sure.
Ann, I'm glad you're such a thoughtful mom. Seriously, that's great.
Bill Simmons is engaging in what I like to call antisarcasm. It's sarcasm that sounds sincere. Regular sarcasm does too, only with just enough voice inflection or facial expression to give it away. If Bill said this to her face, Ann Killion would ask, "Really?", and Bill would say, "Oh, God no! You think I was serious? The only parental concern you should have is keeping your daughter from becoming a stripper. Otherwise, you're a self-righteous prick. Oh, and I'm friends with Dork Elvis and Malcolm Gladwell. Eat my shit."
But a vote for McGwire isn't exactly an endorsement of drug use.
Most votes for McGwire would probably be something like, "He was a user in an era of users, but we can't keep them all out. And he was among the very best of them."
A vote against McGwire isn't a vote against drug use per se, but more like, "I don't believe it's appropriate to enhance performance beyond good nutrition and maintaining physical fitness. And McGwire's career production only really took off when he used, meaning that he wasn't good enough to make the HOF without the PEDs."
And anyway, part of our country's problem is the shortsighted way we "protect" our kids from life's harsh realities.
Gotta keep her off the pole, Bill. Everything else is fanatical and overprotective Andrea Yates shit.
Janet Jackson's nipple slip was such a traumatic moment for Americans that some live sporting events now run on tape-delay,
Why must every goddamn TV channel be HBO? Maybe it's the parents themselves who don't want to see nip-slips and upskirts all the time.
and Howard Stern fled to SIRIUS to escape the clutches of the increasingly fascistic FCC.
Oh, please, please please, Bill - start writing about politics and society more often. Your own Unintentional Comedy Scale would be able to divide by zero.
Meanwhile, any kid can glimpse Britney's crotch if he or she is even remotely familiar with Google,
Really? Well. Sounds like all parents everywhere should just give up then.
and anyone can be slandered anonymously on a blog or message board.
This sounds like something a narcissistic, insecure writer would say.
Look, our country is screwed up.
People like Bill love to say things like this to sound profound. It's true, except 1) there's a lot of good going on that we tend to ignore in favor of the bad, and 2) that condition isn't exclusive to the United States.
Whether we like it or not, people will always gamble, use illegal drugs, drink and drive, cheat on their spouses, cheat on tests, lie and steal, ditch their families, swear and fight, use performance-enhancing drugs. Banishing Mark McGwire from Cooperstown isn't going to make any of that go away.
1) Is Mark McGwire in Cooperstown now? 2) Does anyone believe that voting against McGwire for the Hall will in turn make humanity's darker instincts go away? (The answers are No and Of Course Not, You Fucking Asswad Bill) Bill must really believe that every HOF voter is like Ann Killion squared, someone who packages her HOF vote together with social commentary. Which, I must reiterate, is perfectly OK. Not what Bill would do, not what I would do, but perfectly valid.
Let's stop pretending that the Baseball Hall of Fame is a real-life fantasy world — a place where we celebrate only the people and events we can all unanimously agree deserve to be celebrated — and transform it into an institution that reflects both the good and bad of the sport.
Why? First of all, I take issue with the idea that the HOF is a (ignoring the oxymoron for the moment) "real-life fantasy world". It is a place to celebrate excellence. And while certain members of the HOF have their moral failings away from the game, the voters were confident that the men they put into the Hall treated the game with integrity.
Let's take two players - one in the Hall, one out - Ty Cobb and Mark McGwire. Cobb was a racist and a horse's ass, but he played the game with integrity as far as we know. (Integrity relative to his era, of course) McGwire seems like a nice person, but in my view he extended and improved his career by artificial means. I have no problem with the idea that a jerk like Cobb is in and a nice guy like McGwire is out. It's not about their humanity - it's about their respect for the game.
Wait — wasn't that Cooperstown's mission all along?
Probably not, since you provided nothing to support this rhetorical question. Normally what one does here is ask the question, then point to some old document in support of the question. Not even an anecdote here from Bill, which seems very telling to me.
Shouldn't it be a place where someone who knows nothing about baseball can learn about its rich history? Isn't it a museum, after all?
Do museums frequently do this? I thought all they did was put works on display. Usually, the back story to museums can be found in college courses.
If that's the case — and I say it is
Glad that's settled.
then how can we leave out Pete Rose, the all-time hits leader and most memorable competitor of his era?
He broke a rule that one should never break if you care at all about the integrity of the sport. As if that weren't enough, he lied about it. Which apparently doesn't matter to Bill, as long as you hit enough singles. I guess Ichiro can go on a five-state arson spree and still get into the HOF by Bill's logic.
And how can we even consider leaving out McGwire, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa, the three most memorable hitters of the 1990s? We're supposed to stick our heads in the historical sand and pretend these people were never born?
No, you jackass. They won't cease to exist if they never make the Hall.
Imagine if the rest of the world worked like this. Word is, JFK cheated on his wife. Should we change the name of the airport and remove all his memorabilia from the Smithsonian?
There are no guidelines to voting for president. Presidential voters can support a candidate because of his deficit reduction plan, his personal appearance, or the sound of his name.
HOF voters, on the other hand, have to consider (remember this?): "Voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contributions to the team(s) on which the player played." (again, emphasis mine)
McGwire boasts some undeniable credentials:
• He was the most famous slugger of his era and one of the most intimidating physical presences in sports history. While he was at his apex, you didn't turn the channel when he was at bat. Under any circumstance.
Maybe you didn't. I really didn't, and don't, give a crap about baseball until mid-August.
• He broke an untouchable record (Maris' 61), belted 245 homers over a four-year span
At an age when athletes typically do their best work, right?
finished with 583 home runs (seventh on the all-time list)
All legitimately.
and made 12 All-Star teams.
For Christ's sake, Bill! If you want to argue for McGwire, at least make some real arguments.
• He appeared in a Bash Brothers poster with Jose Canseco that nearly shattered the Unintentional Comedy Scale.
Tris Speaker's funniest poster doesn't come close to McGwire's. Point, Simmons.
• He's the most successful athlete of all time with flaming red hair.
Enough, Bill. If you're going to write a column about a serious topic, lay off the goddamn jokes. I know it's your schtick, but in this instance it undermines your whole point.
• When a painful strike canceled the 1994 World Series and nearly killed the sport, two events got people caring again: Cal Ripken's breaking Lou Gehrig's consecutive-games record in 1995, and McGwire's and Sosa's battling for Maris' record three years later.
And at the time they were showered with great praise and big money for that. How much do you want reward these (possibly? probably?) fraudulent achievements?
Watch the end of 61* sometime, or reread Mike Lupica's gushing book, Summer of '98.
You're asking me to watch Barry Pepper and to read Mike Lupica? Dude, a little compassion, please.
(Note: Lupica now argues that Big Mac doesn't belong in the Hall. He never says anything about returning the profits from his book, however.)
...reread Bill Simmon's gushing book, Now I Can Die In Peace. (Note: Simmons has gone back to bitching about the Sox failing to win the World Series. He never says anything about returning the profits from his book, however.)
The home run chase meant something back then. And by the way, when it was going on, we all chose to overlook the fact that McGwire was a can of green paint away from being the Incredible Hulk and that Sosa looked like he was developing a second jaw. Let's not forget that.
We didn't "overlook" anything. People want to believe that what they are watching is real. We are a lot less trusting now, thanks to McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, Clemens, Palmeiro, A-Rod, Canseco, Caminiti, Giambi, etc, etc, etc.
• When McGwire finally broke Maris' record, his subsequent handshake-hug with Sosa was the single most awkward sports-related moment since Apollo and Rocky embraced on the beach in Rocky III. That's gotta count for something.
I know that if McGwire does get in, this will be the first thing his presenter mentions.
• His "I'm not here to talk about the past" speech is running in a dead heat with Denny Green's "They were what we thought they were!" rant for the honor of Most Ridiculously Enjoyable Public-Speaking Sports Moment of the Decade.
GOD, make it stop.
• Unlike Bonds, McGwire actually seems ashamed about what he might have done.
Something else that differentiates Bonds and McGwire: Bonds has a strong HOF case, even taking juicing into account. (And I think Bonds is loathsome)
Forget the fact that there were no testing procedures in place to catch him. If he took steroids, he did break the rules.
"Yes, my client was seen entering the victim's home a half hour before the stabbing..."
All that does is give him something in common with Hall of Famers like admitted ball doctorer Gaylord Perry
My understanding is that Perry admitted to the spitball after he was elected to the Hall. Not that it makes things right, but was one guy doctoring the ball remotely the same as a good number/majority of big leaguers juicing? And it's not like baseball was turning a blind eye to Gaylord Perry or that fans were all excited about Perry's spitball. He just found ways to avoid detection. And honestly, I would have no problem throwing cheaters out of the Hall after the fact.
and Ty Cobb, a virulent racist who deliberately tried to hurt other players
Spiking is cheating. Absolutely. But it's the kind of cheating that is out in the open and subject to reprisal. It's a fair kind of cheating, if you will.
and was accused of fixing at least one game.
But did anyone have any proof???
Are we really going to play the morality card for Big Mac when Cobb is in the Hall? Who's OK with this?
If I had a daughter who was about the same age as Ty Cobb and Mark McGwire (not an easy feat, admittedly), I would recommend she marry McGwire. If I had one HOF vote and my choice was Cobb or McGwire, I'd vote for Cobb. On balance, McGwire is a better person than Cobb, but not in terms of baseball integrity.
I hate to break the news to Ann Killion's kids, but people have been cheating in baseball for decades.
Then don't. Ann Killion and her life partner, if she has one, are the people primarily responsible for teaching her kids life lessons. Then it's their grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers. Somewhere towards the bottom of that list is a sportwriter who believes excellence is a sham and that good parenting = keeping daughters from becoming strippers.
They've fixed games,
The players that we know to have fixed games are not in the HOF as far as I know.
stolen signs,
If you get caught stealing signs, you get a fastball to the ribs. I really doubt stealing signs helped anybody get into the HOF.
corked bats,
When players get caught corking, they get punished appropriately.
slimed balls,
Gaylord Perry got away with it. I'm certain many/most others didn't.
popped greenies
A performance enhancer that apparently a lot of guys got away with. What do you expect, Bill? That I shouldn't care now because nobody cared back in the 60's?
and, yes, injected steroids and rubbed HGH cream.
No difference at all between stealing signs and suddenly playing the best baseball of your life at an advanced age.
We're told that baseball is America's pastime, the implication being that it mirrors real life.
There's no need for an implication when a straight definition will do. Pastime means: An activity that someone does regularly for enjoyment rather than work; a hobby. Nothing in the phrase "America's Pastime" implies anything beyond "Americans enjoy baseball". Idiot.
And you know what? It's true. A long time ago, Babe Ruth showed us that athletes, like everyone else, are imperfect. More recently, Rose hammered home the point for any of us who might have forgotten it. What did McGwire make clear? That human beings are always searching for an edge, and when they find it, they use it.
So why can't we have a place that celebrates the exemplary? Just because people are imperfect doesn't mean we have to be reminded of it at every turn. At a wedding ceremony, should we point out that the bride flashed her tits at Mardi Gras for four straight years? Should we point out that the groom once made a drunken pass at his cousin at her father's funeral? Must every fucking thing in life be a comment on the complex duality of human existence?
If we really want to do the right thing, let's vote in Rose and McGwire as soon as possible, then inscribe on Rose's plaque that he's a dirtbag who bet on his own team, and inscribe on McGwire's that he almost definitely used performance enhancers and wouldn't answer questions about it under oath.
I'd rather put them in with full honors. If people want the whole story on Rose and McGwire, on Cobb and Perry and anyone else, they can read about it elsewhere.
And if that information is too sobering for your kids, well, don't take them to Cooperstown. Take them to Disneyland.
I hate to break it to Bill Simmons' kids, but Walt Disney was accused of anti-semitism. And stay off the pole.
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