Monday, January 28, 2013

Sim Bit #19: Bill Simmons, Condescending Prick, vol. 1

This Sim Bit may be even more insignificant than usual, but it just pissed me off enough that I couldn't let it pass without comment. From page 51, referring to the 2007-08 Celtics:

"Bench guys pulled for starters like they were the whitest, dorkiest tenth-graders..."

Ha ha ha, we white people are so dorky and stupid!

"...[Kevin Garnett] placed third in the MVP balloting because of subpar-for-him numbers;"

Or maybe Kobe finished ahead of KG because he didn't have Paul Pierce and Ray Allen playing alongside him. Yes, he did have Pau Gasol for half a season, but even if he's better than either Pierce or Allen, he's not better than both of them. Who ran the point for the Lakers? It wasn't a passing/defensive ace/future All-Star, that's for sure. And maybe Chris Paul finished ahead because he was the best player in basketball in 2008. The award is for the most valuable player, not "A" valuable player who plays for the best team. Of course, team success does (and should) play a role in the award, but Kobe and CP3 played for pretty good teams themselves.

"...meanwhile, the Celtics jumped from the worst record in 2007 to the best record in 2008."

Because Kevin Garnett, and only Kevin Garnett, joined the Celtics.

Here are your top eight in minutes played for the 2008 Celtics:

Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, James Posey, Eddie House, Tony Allen

And the top eight for the 2007 Celtics:

Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Delonte West, Rajon Rondo, Gerald Green, Paul Pierce, Sebastian Telfair, Kendrick Perkins

The names in red bold appeared on both Celtics teams.

"Where's the statistic for that? (Shit, I forgot: it's called wins)"

Take that, stat nerds! But Bill isn't done with you yet:

"But that's what makes basketball so great: You have to watch the games. You have to pay attention. You cannot get seduced by numbers and stats." (emphasis his)

What a colossal prick. I am Bill Simmons. I see things others do not see. I understand basketball as the legends do. I am...The Hoops Whisperer.

"...I couldn't help noticing LeBron's '09 Cavaliers developing Ubuntu-like chemistry..."

Players enjoying playing for a winning team apparently only began in 2007.

I don't know for a fact that there will be more instances of Condescending Prick-behavior elsewhere in the book, but it seems like a safe bet.

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